I need therapy. That's my decision. Self-help books and so on can only help so much. If you can't break out of your mental state alone, get someone to help you do it. Even if you have to pay for it.
Having a negative mental state, caused by very real psychological problems, are very difficult to solve alone. Some are more difficult than others. Even if one tries to change their actions, hoping that the outcomes will reinforce positive beliefs, the mind may just refute it entirely - by creating an emotional state, biochemically, that drains one of one's esteem, pride, and sense of satisfaction. It's like a near-permanent feeling of shitness, which even if someone tries to convince you is irrational, doesn't change the way you feel.
Traits I might have to explore are:
Has perfectionism caused my depressive nature?
Do I have narcissistic personality disorder?
Should I cut my parents and family out of my life?
Saturday 17 May 2008
Thursday 1 May 2008
Redefining my reality - becoming an entrepreneur
"If it flies, floats or fornicates, always rent it - it's cheaper in the long run."
Felix Dennis - entrepreneur
I have to admit, how I was feeling on Sunday most likely had a specific cause. I had just spent a week writing two essays which I had had two years to do. To get them done of course, I took a commonly used at college substance that jumps up the dopamine levels in the brain - great for getting work done, but there is always the crash afterwards.
But the feeling of despair has been around a while - that's why I started the blog, as a way of venting some steam. It primary aim was to help me articulate ideas, but if as a secondary aim it happens to provide value for others, then great.
The common question has kept on coming to me for as long as I can remember: what do I want to do with my life? I even mentioned this when I was very young - the earliest recorded example was when my mother gave me a scientific reference encylcopaedia when I was six years old. On the insert it said "Dear Dolgeville, I hope you will be what you want to be", and it was listed with the date. At the time I had wanted to become a scientist, with the movie Ghostbusters being particularly important.
Eventually, as I became older, I set myself new goals:
- Earn £3000 and spend a month in Africa. Done (age 16)
- Earn another £3000 and spend another month in Africa, and climb a mountain while you're at it. Done (age 18)
- Get into one of the world's most prestigious universities. Done (age 19)
And there were a few other significant goals in there that I haven't mentioned as it might make it obvious to some who I am. But recently, I have failed - not just at one goal, but a succession of goals all in order. Fail, fail, fail, fail. All over the course of three years. And that's been tough for me. And it has damaged my identity.
I don't "fail" like this. Sure, I have failed - but I usually learn from it, take it as a mis-take so to speak, and go on. But to fail consistently, time and time again, for the first time in your life - that's hard. And it hasn't just been hard, it's challenged the identity I created for myself. I am no longer who I "wanted to be" to use the words of my mother many years ago.
But, as I come towards the end of my degree course, knowing full well that my grade will be pretty awful, I am filled with a sense of relief. I'll be out of here in a few weeks. No more commitment to the institution. No more commitment to the essays. No more conforming to a reality of writing conceptual essays of bullshit, adding no value to myself or others.
In effect, I believe my world is opening up for me. Leaving university, I can carve out a new reality. And I think perhaps my next goal, to become an entrepreneur.
One of the inspirations for me, in a strange kind of way, is Felix Dennis. This guy has a rock solid reality. Sure, he was jailed for obscenity, had a harem of 14 call girls, and was once addicted to crack cocaine. But he's now worth over £700m, and there has to be something in that. I've put some videos below, and although they mostly promote his book, they're interesting to watch. Also FT.com has a series of interviews with entrepreneurs, from all different backgrounds.
Perhaps I'll change my mind in a few years about the direction of my life, but I think the journey to make money will prove to be an interesting one.
Information about Felix Dennis
Some interviews from YouTube:
Part 1 - Felix Dennis Interview
Part 2 - Felix Dennis Interview
Part 3 - Felix Dennis Interview
Felix Dennis - entrepreneur
I have to admit, how I was feeling on Sunday most likely had a specific cause. I had just spent a week writing two essays which I had had two years to do. To get them done of course, I took a commonly used at college substance that jumps up the dopamine levels in the brain - great for getting work done, but there is always the crash afterwards.
But the feeling of despair has been around a while - that's why I started the blog, as a way of venting some steam. It primary aim was to help me articulate ideas, but if as a secondary aim it happens to provide value for others, then great.
The common question has kept on coming to me for as long as I can remember: what do I want to do with my life? I even mentioned this when I was very young - the earliest recorded example was when my mother gave me a scientific reference encylcopaedia when I was six years old. On the insert it said "Dear Dolgeville, I hope you will be what you want to be", and it was listed with the date. At the time I had wanted to become a scientist, with the movie Ghostbusters being particularly important.
Eventually, as I became older, I set myself new goals:
- Earn £3000 and spend a month in Africa. Done (age 16)
- Earn another £3000 and spend another month in Africa, and climb a mountain while you're at it. Done (age 18)
- Get into one of the world's most prestigious universities. Done (age 19)
And there were a few other significant goals in there that I haven't mentioned as it might make it obvious to some who I am. But recently, I have failed - not just at one goal, but a succession of goals all in order. Fail, fail, fail, fail. All over the course of three years. And that's been tough for me. And it has damaged my identity.
I don't "fail" like this. Sure, I have failed - but I usually learn from it, take it as a mis-take so to speak, and go on. But to fail consistently, time and time again, for the first time in your life - that's hard. And it hasn't just been hard, it's challenged the identity I created for myself. I am no longer who I "wanted to be" to use the words of my mother many years ago.
But, as I come towards the end of my degree course, knowing full well that my grade will be pretty awful, I am filled with a sense of relief. I'll be out of here in a few weeks. No more commitment to the institution. No more commitment to the essays. No more conforming to a reality of writing conceptual essays of bullshit, adding no value to myself or others.
In effect, I believe my world is opening up for me. Leaving university, I can carve out a new reality. And I think perhaps my next goal, to become an entrepreneur.
One of the inspirations for me, in a strange kind of way, is Felix Dennis. This guy has a rock solid reality. Sure, he was jailed for obscenity, had a harem of 14 call girls, and was once addicted to crack cocaine. But he's now worth over £700m, and there has to be something in that. I've put some videos below, and although they mostly promote his book, they're interesting to watch. Also FT.com has a series of interviews with entrepreneurs, from all different backgrounds.
Perhaps I'll change my mind in a few years about the direction of my life, but I think the journey to make money will prove to be an interesting one.
Information about Felix Dennis
Some interviews from YouTube:
Part 1 - Felix Dennis Interview
Part 2 - Felix Dennis Interview
Part 3 - Felix Dennis Interview
Sunday 27 April 2008
To the end of my will and back again
Today I woke up feeling awful. Suicidal. I was contemplating as to whether go to the fields near my college and go hang myself. How I would do it. What I would write in my suicide note. Wondering if I were to kill myself, should I leave a statement, or just not give a shit and leave this world with no explanation.
I thought to myself - what have I got? I felt valueless. I felt completely absent in capital - social capital, financial capital, cultural capital. I didn't mean a shit to anyone really. I was insignificant.
I remember this TED talk with Tony Robbins where he states that the quickest way to become significant is through violence. Often, for those who do not like to inflict violence on others, they turn this on themselves. If they cannot be creators of their own destiny, then they at least have the ability to be the destructors of it.
I travelled to London to go use my gym and do some high intensity training. I took a load of ephedrine to get me going. I went to the gym. I looked at my weight card. Even though it was the highest it had ever been, I felt like it wasn't high enough. I was a failure. I had failed myself, my family, my friends, and my destiny. I had failed anything and anyone I had made a promise to.
And coming out of the gym, I felt angry. I wanted to self destruct. I wanted to destroy something, and the easiest thing to destroy was myself. And I remembered this site called Daily15.com - the task in my inbox for today and the day previously was to jog for 15 minutes, then spend 15 minutes in nature. And for some reason, after a high intensity workout, I decided to take that run. And to do it in nature, in the park.
As I began to run I felt angry with myself. Hateful. I was fighting myself, pushing myself. My anger was vented in self torture. Rather than jog, I ran. I ran so I was red in the face. I ran past the cherry blossom in Regent's Park, past beautiful houses and past other joggers who looked at me like I was the devil incarnate. I kept on running. I was going to run past the pain, through it, and cast myself into physical hell.
I wanted to cry as I ran. I wanted to die on this run. For this run in some ways to end it all, for my heart to explode and for me to collapse face first, leaving this earth with a splutter and a gasp. But I didn't. And as I ran and I ran, a mental change happened. This run represented my life. It was at rock bottom and I was going to fight so hard that I would either die or succeed. That's all I cared about.
And as I spent what seemed an eternity getting to 15 minutes, I eventually got there. I had run about 3km, or 1.8 miles, around the perimeter of the park. My body spent from both a run and some high intensity exercise, I walked into the park itself.
Things seemed different. I was no longer angry. My ego had left. The plants seemed beautiful and I could feel the wind on my face. This world was no longer a mocking world, mocking me for my lack of things. It was my world, part of who I am.
I lay on the grass and looked at the sky. The grass was damp. I closed my eyes and cleared my mind, feeling the breeze cast over me like I was one and the same with it. I was happy. I needed nothing. And my life seemed worth living again.
I thought to myself - what have I got? I felt valueless. I felt completely absent in capital - social capital, financial capital, cultural capital. I didn't mean a shit to anyone really. I was insignificant.
I remember this TED talk with Tony Robbins where he states that the quickest way to become significant is through violence. Often, for those who do not like to inflict violence on others, they turn this on themselves. If they cannot be creators of their own destiny, then they at least have the ability to be the destructors of it.
I travelled to London to go use my gym and do some high intensity training. I took a load of ephedrine to get me going. I went to the gym. I looked at my weight card. Even though it was the highest it had ever been, I felt like it wasn't high enough. I was a failure. I had failed myself, my family, my friends, and my destiny. I had failed anything and anyone I had made a promise to.
And coming out of the gym, I felt angry. I wanted to self destruct. I wanted to destroy something, and the easiest thing to destroy was myself. And I remembered this site called Daily15.com - the task in my inbox for today and the day previously was to jog for 15 minutes, then spend 15 minutes in nature. And for some reason, after a high intensity workout, I decided to take that run. And to do it in nature, in the park.
As I began to run I felt angry with myself. Hateful. I was fighting myself, pushing myself. My anger was vented in self torture. Rather than jog, I ran. I ran so I was red in the face. I ran past the cherry blossom in Regent's Park, past beautiful houses and past other joggers who looked at me like I was the devil incarnate. I kept on running. I was going to run past the pain, through it, and cast myself into physical hell.
I wanted to cry as I ran. I wanted to die on this run. For this run in some ways to end it all, for my heart to explode and for me to collapse face first, leaving this earth with a splutter and a gasp. But I didn't. And as I ran and I ran, a mental change happened. This run represented my life. It was at rock bottom and I was going to fight so hard that I would either die or succeed. That's all I cared about.
And as I spent what seemed an eternity getting to 15 minutes, I eventually got there. I had run about 3km, or 1.8 miles, around the perimeter of the park. My body spent from both a run and some high intensity exercise, I walked into the park itself.
Things seemed different. I was no longer angry. My ego had left. The plants seemed beautiful and I could feel the wind on my face. This world was no longer a mocking world, mocking me for my lack of things. It was my world, part of who I am.
I lay on the grass and looked at the sky. The grass was damp. I closed my eyes and cleared my mind, feeling the breeze cast over me like I was one and the same with it. I was happy. I needed nothing. And my life seemed worth living again.
Saturday 26 April 2008
Managing my life... online
I was thinking to myself about using the Internet to advertise my actual life.
Of course, I would never link the items from a "public" blog to this, my private blog - a place that allows me to express my opinions and emotions without worrying what other people think.
But as a method of communicating with people, and allowing them to follow my life, the Internet can be very useful, and also be a way of adding value to the people you know and meet. They can find out more about you; you can provide content online which you believe they will find valuable. Indeed, it is the best method of personal branding, being instantly accessible by all.
I plan to integrate my life using the following services:
Of course, I would never link the items from a "public" blog to this, my private blog - a place that allows me to express my opinions and emotions without worrying what other people think.
But as a method of communicating with people, and allowing them to follow my life, the Internet can be very useful, and also be a way of adding value to the people you know and meet. They can find out more about you; you can provide content online which you believe they will find valuable. Indeed, it is the best method of personal branding, being instantly accessible by all.
I plan to integrate my life using the following services:
- Facebook - this one is essential as so many of my friends are on it. However the problem is there are people on it who are no longer my friends. My idea is to use Facebook as a way to keep in touch with people from all backgrounds (business, university, old school friends), but not share my private life. I will remove all my photos and set my privacy settings to maximum.
- Wordpress/blogspot - I plan to maintain a blog of sorts, especially if I run a business. This blog will cover content which I am currently interested in, and will be not in the style of "today I ate fish and chips..." but rather a blog which I can use to add value to people.
- Picasa - in order to share my photos, but control privacy, I will put my photos on Picasa instead of Facebook.
- Twitter - as you can see at the side of my profile. This will let people know what I am up to and where I am going.
Friday 18 April 2008
The Power of Belief by Anthony Robbins
I know I've been putting up a lot of videos recently, but I really believe they can be useful and speak better than I can about certain subjects. Have a listen to Tony Robbins discuss the Power of Belief.
Thursday 17 April 2008
Learning as a lifestyle, and the concept of 'Asset Poor, Money Rich'
I have been thinking a little more about what I should do with myself once I graduate. Two themes I want to address today are:
- Learning as a lifestyle
- Refusing to accept today’s lifestyle of “Asset Rich, Money Poor” – instead embracing “Asset Poor, Money/Lifestyle Rich”
Perhaps another reason (I know, I keep on giving many differing but relevant reasons) why I have not enjoyed my degree is because I haven’t been increasing my skill set. Whose fault is this? Perhaps it is my own. But should I be blamed? All I can say is that I hope to pass on my lessons to someone else one day.
What skill sets do I think are valuable in the school of life? I think the key skill sets involve managing people – this is what leadership is about. And leading people (by articulating them around your vision) is about actions which follow a spectrum from carrot to stick – or from fighting to serving.
Fighting
Yes, that’s right – fighting as a skill. And I mean in all respects – physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually. Physically, well I haven’t got into a fight. Perhaps I have not allowed myself to. Intellectually, fighting at Oxford brings no reward, despite all the claims on the tin. The views of your tutor are likely to be so ingrained as to make fighting impossible, and if you do try to fight the likelihood is that your work will be branded a polemic. Emotional fighting – I think this is about fighting with yourself. But the only way you win this is if you truly believe the fight you are having is worth it. Are you tired for an end goal? Good. Were you beaten because you tried? Fantastic. And spiritual fighting applies in the same manner – learning how to control your ego so it doesn’t control you.
Anyone who doesn't believe this, go watch Fight Club. Then think about how the men all changed when they learnt about fighting. Forget about the big plot. Just see how the men had their lives motivated once they had got in a fight, and they lost their egos, toughening up in the process.
Persuasion and charisma
Persuading someone to do something is rarely just a rational task. A lot of the time in order to persuade or influence someone you have to change their mood or emotions, or cater to one of their needs. This is a skill that needs practice, and practice is trying something to better yourself in the knowledge that you will always be failing to a certain degree.
Think about most best-selling self-help and business books on the market (because they tend to be pretty much the same thing, although in slightly different niches). They all evoke emotions. They use author surrogates, literary devices, and feature a big grinning guru on the front cover. And whether or not they contain much information, the best are those that emotionally move the person most. These books brim with charisma. And people like them. That's why books that are emotionally fulfilling are far better selling than books that just provide pure information - why does Freakonomics or Unlimited Power sell far better than any college level economics text book? Because of the charisma contained within.
Serving
I think knowing how to serve others is another skill, and more than a skill – it’s a discipline. Always presenting value to others in some way shape or form will get other people giving value to you. Why? Because they get addicted to the value you serve them with, and in order to ensure that fix keeps on coming they keep on trying to offer you some value. This concept is explained rather well in Never Eat Alone, where Ferrazzi is told he needs to give value to others for their network to work effectively.
Asset rich, penny poor?
What’s the point of having a big house if you can’t feed yourself or have fun? Or what’s the point of owning a £100,000 car when you instead could travel the world in amazing fashion for two to three years?
Welcome to the world of the asset rich, penny poor. These are the people who put all their money into assets – things that people charge a hell of a lot of money for. Homes, cars, whatever. But the fact of the matter is that thse people could be having a far more enjoyable life if they decided to live life based on experiences, interaction with others and learning.
Next year, I believe I will try to follow a different philosophy - asset poor, money rich. So no car, no house (will try and live somewhere cheaply), no expensive clothes, no expensive possessions - instead, I will work to spend my money on having amazing experiences - experiences that not only are hedonistic (i.e. make me super ultra happy), but also experiences that are self-actualizing, and assist me in constantly growing and changing in a never-ending state of growth.
Suggested articles
Wednesday 16 April 2008
In most species, faithfulness is a fantasy
Natalie Angier of the New York Times discusses why faithfulness is a complete myth.
While I would love to copy this article in full, I believe to do so would probably infringe copyright, you will have to click on the link above.
I was forwarded this article by signing up to Sam Vaknin's email list on narcissism.
While I would love to copy this article in full, I believe to do so would probably infringe copyright, you will have to click on the link above.
I was forwarded this article by signing up to Sam Vaknin's email list on narcissism.
Thirty Day Challenge
I have just started the Thirty Day Challenge - a website that teaches you about Internet Marketing. Fascinating stuff.
I am considering for next year becoming an entrepreneur of sorts, especially if my degree grades do not go as well as I hope. Perhaps this will assist me in my task...
I am considering for next year becoming an entrepreneur of sorts, especially if my degree grades do not go as well as I hope. Perhaps this will assist me in my task...
Wednesday 9 April 2008
Cool laser pointer
I know this is a diversion from my usual blogging, but this just had to be shown!
Laser Flashlight Hack! - video powered by Metacafe
For more information go to http://www.kipkay.com/
Laser Flashlight Hack! - video powered by Metacafe
For more information go to http://www.kipkay.com/
The Four Horsemen - A Round Table Discussion
Featuring Christopher Hitchens, Daniel Dennett, Richard Dawkins and Sam Harris. Each video is roughly an hour long.
Video 1:
Video 2:
Video 1:
Video 2:
Tuesday 8 April 2008
Sam Harris - The Spiritual Atheist
A post about the article: The Problem with Atheism
I'm not sure whether Sam Harris would like me using the term that I've just given him. But I'm sure he would understand.
As someone who was formerly religious, I understand what it is like to have faith. In fact, in many ways, not having faith has caused me some pain in the last few years. I have suffered from the inability to ascribe a true meaning to my life, because in reality no such specific raison d'etre for the human race exists. But as I have mentioned before, I have begun to practice meditation - and have been able to ream some of the benefits faith gave me, without compromising my same belief (now currently total) in rationality.
Sam Harris argues that scientists do not understand why people meditate or practice religion. It is not just about being a meme. It is about a profound impact on the mind, happiness and well-being of the believer that triggers something which confirms a belief in the supernatural.
I once went to a talk by Susan Blackmore (author of The Meme Machine) who stated, "I wish I could give Richard Dawkins LSD." Why would she want to do that, other than the fact it might be quite entertaining? She explained that when she was a first year at university, she had a profound out-of-body experience that led her into a quest to discover the paranormal, even attempting a PhD on the subject. But she didn't find it. What she had actually experienced was a psychological phenomenon of sorts (I think she didn't use this phrase exactly, but I hope you get the gist of it). Scientists such as Richard Dawkins have not experienced such phenomena, and therefore cannot completely understand it.
I hope one day we will be able to understand this deep level of 'spiritual' consciousness that can make us happy in some way shape or form.
Personal Websites:
Sam Harris - he publishes links to useful articles he writes.
Susan Blackmore - read why she gave up being a paranormal investigator.
I'm not sure whether Sam Harris would like me using the term that I've just given him. But I'm sure he would understand.
As someone who was formerly religious, I understand what it is like to have faith. In fact, in many ways, not having faith has caused me some pain in the last few years. I have suffered from the inability to ascribe a true meaning to my life, because in reality no such specific raison d'etre for the human race exists. But as I have mentioned before, I have begun to practice meditation - and have been able to ream some of the benefits faith gave me, without compromising my same belief (now currently total) in rationality.
Sam Harris argues that scientists do not understand why people meditate or practice religion. It is not just about being a meme. It is about a profound impact on the mind, happiness and well-being of the believer that triggers something which confirms a belief in the supernatural.
I once went to a talk by Susan Blackmore (author of The Meme Machine) who stated, "I wish I could give Richard Dawkins LSD." Why would she want to do that, other than the fact it might be quite entertaining? She explained that when she was a first year at university, she had a profound out-of-body experience that led her into a quest to discover the paranormal, even attempting a PhD on the subject. But she didn't find it. What she had actually experienced was a psychological phenomenon of sorts (I think she didn't use this phrase exactly, but I hope you get the gist of it). Scientists such as Richard Dawkins have not experienced such phenomena, and therefore cannot completely understand it.
I hope one day we will be able to understand this deep level of 'spiritual' consciousness that can make us happy in some way shape or form.
Personal Websites:
Sam Harris - he publishes links to useful articles he writes.
Susan Blackmore - read why she gave up being a paranormal investigator.
Thursday 3 April 2008
Aristotle v. Aristippus
http://pos-psych.com/news/rosie-milner/20071025457
An interesting link on happiness - what is better? Hedonism or Self-actualization?
An interesting link on happiness - what is better? Hedonism or Self-actualization?
Wednesday 2 April 2008
Why Modernist Architecture Sucks
Stemming on from the previous post, I have been thinking: the three points that Lancioni mentions - those being anonmyity, irrelevance and immeasurability - can be applied to individuals who feel worthless in a collective. And Britain's council housing seems to enforce these three qualities on everyone.
Now I recognise the functionality that modernist architecture poses - equality, efficiency, functionality. But I believe it makes people depressed in certain ways.
Anonymity
Now I recognise the functionality that modernist architecture poses - equality, efficiency, functionality. But I believe it makes people depressed in certain ways.
Anonymity
- The flats are put along grey, blank balconies which mean people never bump into one another or interact in anyway.
- People come and go rapidly, and are never introduced by the architecture into the community.
Irrelevance
- Each individual housing unit is the same as the next - people cannot overtly express their relevance and individuality through the housing.
- Council housing is perceived as being for people who are not important to others.
Immeasurability
- The houses are all the same, and so cannot be measured against one another.
- Relative to others, there is no way people can improve - they are stuck in the council housing permanently.
The Three Signs of a Miserable Degree
Book: Patrick M. Lencioni (2007) The Three Signs of a Miserable Job: A Fable for Managers.
I just read the book above today when out for a stroll. I was so bored of my revision and studying I decided to browse the bookshelves of Border's. And during my browsing, I came across this book. I thought, "I'm miserable at my job (i.e. studying) - maybe this book is relevant for me." And it hit home why I've felt so useless these past three years in three, simple points.
Anonymity
I am a naturally very loud person. So loud in fact at heart, that I have to tone down my personality to fit in places.
Because I cannot compartmentalise at university, separating out my different desires and aspirations (career, social, intellectual, sexual etc.), I chose the other route - to disappear entirely and become anonymous rather than gain notoriety and be hated by people.
Likewise, trying to be someone at a prestigious institution is difficult. Everyone is fantastic. How are you going to be different? Being a perfectionist, I chose to disappear rather than fail.
Irrelevance
I had high goals and hopes before coming to university. I wanted to genuinely help people - by acquiring skills which would lead me to politics or another profession by which I could give value.
At university, I felt my contribution was irrelevant for two reasons:
I just read the book above today when out for a stroll. I was so bored of my revision and studying I decided to browse the bookshelves of Border's. And during my browsing, I came across this book. I thought, "I'm miserable at my job (i.e. studying) - maybe this book is relevant for me." And it hit home why I've felt so useless these past three years in three, simple points.
Anonymity
I am a naturally very loud person. So loud in fact at heart, that I have to tone down my personality to fit in places.
Because I cannot compartmentalise at university, separating out my different desires and aspirations (career, social, intellectual, sexual etc.), I chose the other route - to disappear entirely and become anonymous rather than gain notoriety and be hated by people.
Likewise, trying to be someone at a prestigious institution is difficult. Everyone is fantastic. How are you going to be different? Being a perfectionist, I chose to disappear rather than fail.
Irrelevance
I had high goals and hopes before coming to university. I wanted to genuinely help people - by acquiring skills which would lead me to politics or another profession by which I could give value.
At university, I felt my contribution was irrelevant for two reasons:
- I felt I was learning nothing of use (i.e. public policy and knowledge relevant for public policy), nor were my tutorials of any use (the grades on my essays did not contribute to my degree mark, and due to the lack of syllabus were not focussed in any way on the course).
- Any other goal at university would not help the causes for which I felt passionate about, like helping others in poverty (whatever the poverty is - material, economic, or emotional).
Immeasurability
The nature of my degree is that it cannot be measured. There are only four real grades: 1st class, Upper Second, Lower Second, and Third. The proportions are 10%, 75%, 9% and 1% respectively. But earning a first is something that cannot be defined or measured - no one can really tell you how to get a first class result. It's something which is not completely SMART - getting a first might be achieveable, realistic and timed, but it is not specific or measurable.
Now if you think that the work you do every week is not only properly measurable, but in no way directly contributes to your final mark, and you have a problem.
Conclusion
Now, I might be heading for a terrible degree grade. Now I know why. If I had to do my degree again, I would aim to be:
- Known
- Measure my progress in someway
- Do something which I think is relevant
Knowledge
Knowledge is power, or so they say. And power is the latent ability to act. One could also look at power at a set of relations, but for the time being I will look at what knowledge is.
Universities have a problem. Their agenda for students is merely to deal with the creation of knowledge. And that knowledge need not be relevant to anything. They do not train students in the utilisation of knowledge for change or progress, and they do not equip studnets with knowledge that is needed for change and progress.
In a metaphorical sense, universities teach students how to build a mop. They do not teach them how to use a mop, so it just ends up being splashed around aimlessly. And what if the students need an axe? Oh no, it's not the job of universities to provide anything of use to the undergraduate; for universities, undergraduates exist as useless add-ons to the academic
framework.
Ridiculous.
Tuesday 1 April 2008
Two excellent videos
Two videos which were posted on the Real Social Dynamics Blog. They were so good I had to post them here.
Wednesday 12 March 2008
Career planning
I would like to say I have been productive recently. That I have achieved high levels of work and done more than before. I would love to be able to give you a 10-step list with something that will help you out today.
I can’t do that unfortunately.
What I have been thinking of recently – between my slightly melancholy moods – is about what I should do with after I am done with university, and why I have not enjoyed it. Perhaps my last post regarding university was written in a moment of undeserved frustration.
I believe I have discovered two things:
- Don’t plan too much.
- Don’t take things too seriously.
The fallacy of planning
I came across a psychology study regarding how people choose things in advance. It was regarding sandwiches.
The study involved two groups of people and their lunches. One group had to choose their lunch menu for the week. The other group chose whatever they wanted on the day. What the study found out was that for the people who chose in advance, they assumed they wanted variety. For the people who chose on the day, they tended to stick with the same sandwich every time over the week.
And guess which group were the least happy? The variety group!
The same could be said with planning a career. Perhaps it is better to take it as it comes as opposed to trying to figure out some grand plan.
I think not following the above is likely to result in general unhappiness. So I have a new ‘plan’, which is in essence, a plan not to plan.
Devil’s Advocate – planning skills
What I do think is useful however is to plan to learn new skills and new experiences. The new skills should be learnt through the new experiences – in essence, the skills gained should be a welcome side effect to the things you tried out.
As a result, I think I will try and seek out the following experiences over the next year:
- Learn skydiving – not just one jump, but a series of jumps.
- Get back into scuba diving – take a holiday somewhere cool.
- Get my motorcycle licence – and maybe go touring round Europe.
- Set something up and let it grow on its own – I have no idea what yet, but it could be anything from a business venture to social entrepreneurship.
If you’ve got any suggestions as to what I should add to this list, do let me know!
Monday 3 March 2008
Personality tests
Main Type | Overall Self |
 |  |
Enneagram Test Results
Your variant is sexual |
I've just completed something known as the Enneagram Personality Test (pronounced ANY-a-gram).
Giving from your Source
I haven't meditated for a while. But I've just finished. At the moment, I still feel conscious, although I may have to stop writing on moments if my ego rises again.
As I meditate, I usually direct the sense of warmness within myself. I realise I have been wrong in this respect. This time, I tried to project my sense of warmness out, and I had an amazing feeling of both mental calm and a physical feeling of warmth almost feel like it was glowing out of my chest.
Give from your truly conscious Love.
Give your gift in everything. Feel that warm feeling in your chest when your ego melts and your consciousness radiates in giving.
Give your mind knowledge, but do not let it rule.
Give your body strength and food - but let not a lack of anything trouble your Love or disturb you from your consciousness.
Give your soul to all and give your love freely.
I can understand now why the dozens of women I've managed to attract have not actually slept with me. The reason is, in a true and real sense, that they detected I was unconscious. And being unconscious, you cannot give your love in a real and honest way. Sure - this doesn't apply to the one night stands where both persons are unconscious. But in real, passionate love - the consciousness is definitely there. You know it because you almost feel your souls melt into each other, and even if you split up you are always left with a piece of yourself given and a piece of them received.
As I meditate, I usually direct the sense of warmness within myself. I realise I have been wrong in this respect. This time, I tried to project my sense of warmness out, and I had an amazing feeling of both mental calm and a physical feeling of warmth almost feel like it was glowing out of my chest.
Give from your truly conscious Love.
Give your gift in everything. Feel that warm feeling in your chest when your ego melts and your consciousness radiates in giving.
Give your mind knowledge, but do not let it rule.
Give your body strength and food - but let not a lack of anything trouble your Love or disturb you from your consciousness.
Give your soul to all and give your love freely.
I can understand now why the dozens of women I've managed to attract have not actually slept with me. The reason is, in a true and real sense, that they detected I was unconscious. And being unconscious, you cannot give your love in a real and honest way. Sure - this doesn't apply to the one night stands where both persons are unconscious. But in real, passionate love - the consciousness is definitely there. You know it because you almost feel your souls melt into each other, and even if you split up you are always left with a piece of yourself given and a piece of them received.
Sunday 2 March 2008
Lessons on women
This post is going to be very honest, and not so academic as my others
have tended to be in the past. If you cannot deal with the inner
workings of the male mind, I suggest you do not read any further.
have tended to be in the past. If you cannot deal with the inner
workings of the male mind, I suggest you do not read any further.
On Friday night I decided to go out. I was really up for having a
crazy time. To put it short, I met a gorgeous cute blonde American
girl. We ended up making out. She got very horny. I got very horny. I
even considered fucking her outdoors (maybe I should have done). But
rather than being a real man - that is, controlling my horniness and
not letting it control me, I was drunk and unable to control myself.
She saw that, and so I didn't get her home, despite my physical persistence.
What does this tell me?
1. As a man, I need to be in control of my horniness. If the girl gets
horny, you control her and do not let her horniness win. Dominance
isn't just about pinning a girl to the wall and ordering her to submit
(which they often do). It's about leading an interaction in a cool,
controlled way.
2. Add value. Your social presence should make people feel good. And
that's with anybody you talk to - whether it's your date or the guy
behind the supermarket till.
3. Don't be afraid of what people think about you. Chances are they
like you for being authentic than being fake.
I'll think more about this later.
Thursday 28 February 2008
Is your ego making you quit?
Never give in! Never give in! Never, never, never, never - in nothing great or small, large or petty. Never give in, except to convictions of honour and good sense.
Winston Churchill
One thing I think can happen for some people is that they give up is because their ego won't allow them to. This ego - one that often appears strong, putting on an image of hardness or toughness - is actually easily damaged, and so in the light of difficult challenge, gives up the fight earlier than it has to, blaming something else instead.
Giving up the fight in a career.
Giving up the fight in a relationship.
Giving up the fight in exercise, or other forms of discipline.
I have been guilty of possessing such an ego which causes me to give up the fight - because it doesn't like to appear bruised. That is, genuinely bruised - in a way that it isn't like a battle scar that comes with an achievement of some kind, but a bruise that comes from not being good enough.
So all talk of limiting negative beliefs may be misguided. The real problem may be the ego - a False Ego or False Self perhaps.
If you have a False Self - maybe because you are actually in some ways a narcissist, like I believe I am - or, alternatively, a weak ego, work on getting rid of it. And the only way to do this is to force it through pain. The pain of failure so great, failure doesn't become a problem any more.
Winston Churchill
One thing I think can happen for some people is that they give up is because their ego won't allow them to. This ego - one that often appears strong, putting on an image of hardness or toughness - is actually easily damaged, and so in the light of difficult challenge, gives up the fight earlier than it has to, blaming something else instead.
Giving up the fight in a career.
Giving up the fight in a relationship.
Giving up the fight in exercise, or other forms of discipline.
I have been guilty of possessing such an ego which causes me to give up the fight - because it doesn't like to appear bruised. That is, genuinely bruised - in a way that it isn't like a battle scar that comes with an achievement of some kind, but a bruise that comes from not being good enough.
So all talk of limiting negative beliefs may be misguided. The real problem may be the ego - a False Ego or False Self perhaps.
If you have a False Self - maybe because you are actually in some ways a narcissist, like I believe I am - or, alternatively, a weak ego, work on getting rid of it. And the only way to do this is to force it through pain. The pain of failure so great, failure doesn't become a problem any more.
Success - an audio recording by Earl Nightingale
I came across the above video using the Stumble button. It's actually just an audio file, so feel free to plug in the headphones and sit back. I enjoyed it - apart from the non-scientific references and the suggestions towards God - but I hope this won't spoil your enjoyment too much.
Tuesday 26 February 2008
What sells?
Understanding what people want has to come with understanding their core emotions. From this, you can make money.
Now, without going into too much detail (of which can be found on the Wikipedia entry), the above diagram shows what Maslow believed humans wanted from a humanistic psychology perspective.
From a simplified, evolutionary psychology perspective, one could argue that there is a simple, overarching framework as to why people buy things. They buy things that they think will make their genes survive and perpetuate in the world.
- What drives human beings, everywhere, regardless of geography or culture?
- Knowing the drives of human beings, what can you sell them to allow them to fulfill these drives?
Abraham Maslow described what he thought people were moved by in his theory known as Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. The diagram often used to describe the needs are shown below.
Now, without going into too much detail (of which can be found on the Wikipedia entry), the above diagram shows what Maslow believed humans wanted from a humanistic psychology perspective.From a simplified, evolutionary psychology perspective, one could argue that there is a simple, overarching framework as to why people buy things. They buy things that they think will make their genes survive and perpetuate in the world.
So when opening up a business, if you can create an idea associated with the purchase of this item that by doing so, their genes have a better chance of perpetuating in the world, then they will buy.
How so? Aren't there problems with that statement? What about religion, or altruism?
The religion one can be explained rather easily. People are motivated by a desire to live. The desire to live comes from the genetic blueprint that we are all born with. If we didn't want to live for at least a period for which we could pass on our genes, we would have failed the evolutionary race long ago.
Religion promises people a comfortable afterlife if followed, with the alternative choice of a miserable afterlife. Thus, a feeling explained by earthly things (i.e. the genetic desire to live), can be exploited to the point of irrationality.
Now what about altruism? For this I suggest you read The Selfish Gene by Richard Dawkins. He argues that altruism within families, bees, and other things is guides by a desire to pass their genes on or help similar genes to pass on (i.e. those of children or relatives). Relatives share a lot of genetic material, thus it is beneficial to help your relatives in their lives.
So, in looking as to what you can sell people anywhere, you should trigger responses that create a feeling that a person's genetic raison d'etre is being fulfilled.
Things I wish I had known before going to University
Not everyone will find going to a fantastic university a great experience. In fact, as I have found out, parts of it can be downright miserable. I studied at Oxbridge in the UK, and here’s some information you might find useful if you’re about to go there or apply soon:
Don’t expect it to be easy.
Chances are, if you have got into an elite university, you might have found work at school relatively easy. You could, in a straight-forward manner and not with a massive amount of work, get the highest grade in the class and do quite well. Well, expect to be the dumb kid. You’ve gone up a weight class, and the fights are going to be far tougher and the winners far less clearly defined.
What I’ve found out is that, even though there is this ethic of ‘effortless superiority’ present at elite institutions, in order to do well you have to do a hell of a lot of work. On your own. With no fixed structure, location, mark scheme, reading list or essay topic. And depending on the mark scheme of your university, you might get the same mark band if you work really hard as if you don’t do much work at all. This is often a massive change in how you experienced things at school, with timetables, fixed syllabi (allowing an incredibly structured approach to revision) providing a base for excellence.
The subject you did at school will be very different at university.
Liked your subject at school? You might not like the same subject/major at university, because it might be very very different. Unpleasantly so.
Not everyone will be nice.
Get used to people blanking you. They will do. Don’t feel hard about this – it just happens. If you really want to overcome this, make sure they have no chance of blanking you. Grab their hand and shake it. Befriend their friends and get them to ensure you are made welcome wherever you go.
Small towns and small networks can induce a social claustrophobia – plan releases accordingly.
Did you come from a big city? Used to be able to walk the streets anonymously, disappear and find somewhere to think? Don’t expect that at university. Here, nearly everyone you meet will be connected to you in some way. Anonymity is a hard-to-find commodity. As a remedy, plan to have an escape. Make friends with locals instead of students. Become a CouchSurfer and receive a refreshing injection of alternative thought and experience into your life on a regular basis by hosting travellers in your room. Go away at the weekend and see your friends at other universities.
The other thing is, unless you are prepared to make social mistakes, repeatedly, do not expect university to be your “awakening experience”, whether it’s in terms of your confidence, sexuality, whatever. Go find some place else to get that before you get there. And making these mistakes and learning from them can take a very, very long time indeed.
Expect things to get in the way of your goals.
Elite universities are full of ambitious people who are yet to have a major failure in their life. If you haven’t had a failure yet, chances are you will find it difficult to be humble. They will trample – and maybe you will trample too – on the dreams, goals and ambitions of others. The only way to stop this from happening, is to push on regardless in the face of narcissistic egomaniacs, and at the same time build large supplies of social and cultural capital to make you stand out from the competition.
Likewise your course will get in the way. Wanted to go to that party? Oh shit, you have an essay. Wanted to go away for the weekend? Oh that’s right, you have to do research at the library. Learn how to cope with this early on.
Money makes a difference.
The days of the poor student are gone. Everyone has money, and the people who don’t have it miss out. Sure, you can do student living on a budget – but do you want it to limit your experience? My advice is get as much money as you can from other routes – parents, gap year job, summer employment/internship etc.
Don’t expect it to be easy.
Chances are, if you have got into an elite university, you might have found work at school relatively easy. You could, in a straight-forward manner and not with a massive amount of work, get the highest grade in the class and do quite well. Well, expect to be the dumb kid. You’ve gone up a weight class, and the fights are going to be far tougher and the winners far less clearly defined.
What I’ve found out is that, even though there is this ethic of ‘effortless superiority’ present at elite institutions, in order to do well you have to do a hell of a lot of work. On your own. With no fixed structure, location, mark scheme, reading list or essay topic. And depending on the mark scheme of your university, you might get the same mark band if you work really hard as if you don’t do much work at all. This is often a massive change in how you experienced things at school, with timetables, fixed syllabi (allowing an incredibly structured approach to revision) providing a base for excellence.
The subject you did at school will be very different at university.
Liked your subject at school? You might not like the same subject/major at university, because it might be very very different. Unpleasantly so.
Not everyone will be nice.
Get used to people blanking you. They will do. Don’t feel hard about this – it just happens. If you really want to overcome this, make sure they have no chance of blanking you. Grab their hand and shake it. Befriend their friends and get them to ensure you are made welcome wherever you go.
Small towns and small networks can induce a social claustrophobia – plan releases accordingly.
Did you come from a big city? Used to be able to walk the streets anonymously, disappear and find somewhere to think? Don’t expect that at university. Here, nearly everyone you meet will be connected to you in some way. Anonymity is a hard-to-find commodity. As a remedy, plan to have an escape. Make friends with locals instead of students. Become a CouchSurfer and receive a refreshing injection of alternative thought and experience into your life on a regular basis by hosting travellers in your room. Go away at the weekend and see your friends at other universities.
The other thing is, unless you are prepared to make social mistakes, repeatedly, do not expect university to be your “awakening experience”, whether it’s in terms of your confidence, sexuality, whatever. Go find some place else to get that before you get there. And making these mistakes and learning from them can take a very, very long time indeed.
Expect things to get in the way of your goals.
Elite universities are full of ambitious people who are yet to have a major failure in their life. If you haven’t had a failure yet, chances are you will find it difficult to be humble. They will trample – and maybe you will trample too – on the dreams, goals and ambitions of others. The only way to stop this from happening, is to push on regardless in the face of narcissistic egomaniacs, and at the same time build large supplies of social and cultural capital to make you stand out from the competition.
Likewise your course will get in the way. Wanted to go to that party? Oh shit, you have an essay. Wanted to go away for the weekend? Oh that’s right, you have to do research at the library. Learn how to cope with this early on.
Money makes a difference.
The days of the poor student are gone. Everyone has money, and the people who don’t have it miss out. Sure, you can do student living on a budget – but do you want it to limit your experience? My advice is get as much money as you can from other routes – parents, gap year job, summer employment/internship etc.
Things I had wished I had known
- Know your end goal, and plan your university career with that in mind – so if you want to be a high-ranking politician in the US, chances are you will go to Yale or become a Rhodes Scholar. If you want to get into politics in the UK, go to Oxford at an old college, read PPE and join the political societies.
- Network, network, network – read Keith Ferrazi’s Never Eat Alone before you go to university.
- Do not get angry or rude with academic staff – even if they appear irrational, lazy, or completely incompetent. They write your references later on, and should be part of your network.
- Create a firm structure with your daily habits – and stick to it.
- Do not care too much about what people think or say about you. They really care more about what people think or say about them.
- Do not do drugs or excessive amounts of caffeine to improve your academic performance – your body will get used to it, and without it you will feel awful.
- If you get depressed, be honest with yourself, and don’t expect to be able to sort it out alone – go get counselling early, and if you find you don’t need it you can always drop it.
My conclusion
Do your research before you go to University if you want it to work for you. After all, it’s three years of your short life you’ll be there at a minimum. If necessary, take a year out to have a good think and plan for what you want to happen to you. Or really - do you need to go to university at all?
Thought crowding - a release
One thing I have noticed is that I have many ideas for topics for this blog. I thought I would share them with you.
- Loveshyness and single-sex education.
- Overcoming narcissism - fostering an interest in other people.
- Things you should consider if you're about to go to an elite university.
- The University as Assemblage.
- Are you a Docile Body?
- Persisting through pain - inner strength in pursuing goals.
- My mental fog and depression - lessons learned.
- A theory of power - my perspective to the nature/nurture argument, with a focus on Richard Dawkins and Pierre Bourdieu.
- My top websites and books - empowering you.
Sunday 24 February 2008
Career Path: Fight for honour, or playfight for fun?
I had another quick thought when I was walking down the street just now. Lest I forget it, here it is.
Is it better, in a career:
In the first example, the poem Invictus by William Ernest Henley springs to mind:
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever Gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of Circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of Chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
SOURCE: Wikipedia
Now sure, the stoic "captain of the soul" has a great deal of honour. I used to only aspire to be this kind of person, unconquerable, striving for what was great and good. But to be honest, I wasn't happy.
Will I be more satisfied if I work hard at something which might not be described as so "honourable"? Is my ego just trying to force me to create a legacy, which I will not be able to view once I die and may not even be built?
Or should I go around and aim to work hard to put a smile on my face and the face of others? Not in a clownish sense necessarily, but in another way - whether through art, entertainment, or giving people experiences which move them in a profound and positive way?
Is it better, in a career:
- To fight for something honourable?
- To fight for something enjoyable?
In the first example, the poem Invictus by William Ernest Henley springs to mind:
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever Gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of Circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of Chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
SOURCE: Wikipedia
Now sure, the stoic "captain of the soul" has a great deal of honour. I used to only aspire to be this kind of person, unconquerable, striving for what was great and good. But to be honest, I wasn't happy.
Will I be more satisfied if I work hard at something which might not be described as so "honourable"? Is my ego just trying to force me to create a legacy, which I will not be able to view once I die and may not even be built?
Or should I go around and aim to work hard to put a smile on my face and the face of others? Not in a clownish sense necessarily, but in another way - whether through art, entertainment, or giving people experiences which move them in a profound and positive way?
Rising higher than man?
Two books I have read some of (although not finished) are Friedrich Nietzsche's Thus Spoke Zarathustra and Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged. But, they are definitely on my to do list.
What have these two books got in common?
Since reading The Power of Now, I have had a significant paradigm shift. Many of the bad experiences and missed opportunities have resulted from my egoic mind. However, both - especially Ayn Rand - champion rationalism, the modus operandi for the egoic mind.
I think both were missing out something from the human experience in their philosophies. I think they both experienced what Tolle describes as "being" - Nietzsche spent time in thought in Switzerland, and Zarathustra spent time pondering life in the mountains before coming down to speak. Rand's romantic descriptions clearly show an appreciation of aesthetic beauty, and I am sure that neither Dagny Taggart or Hank Rearden were thinking about life whilst in the throws of passion - they would have just been there in the moment, in the same way that Tolle describes.
So, in my opinion, trying to accommodate for the three constituents of person (consciousness, mind and body) is not easy if one is to simply read the above books. Will discuss this further later.
What have these two books got in common?
- They both attempt to say that the strong man creates a meaning for himself and his life.
- Both books had a tendency to egg on the masculine - my personal opinion is to vary this concept, and egg on specifically masculine energy with regards to success. All successful people tend to possess masculine energy - think Margaret Thatcher for example, someone who, in a colloquial sense, had bigger balls than the whole of her party combined.
- They both speak from an Athiestic viewpoint.
Since reading The Power of Now, I have had a significant paradigm shift. Many of the bad experiences and missed opportunities have resulted from my egoic mind. However, both - especially Ayn Rand - champion rationalism, the modus operandi for the egoic mind.
I think both were missing out something from the human experience in their philosophies. I think they both experienced what Tolle describes as "being" - Nietzsche spent time in thought in Switzerland, and Zarathustra spent time pondering life in the mountains before coming down to speak. Rand's romantic descriptions clearly show an appreciation of aesthetic beauty, and I am sure that neither Dagny Taggart or Hank Rearden were thinking about life whilst in the throws of passion - they would have just been there in the moment, in the same way that Tolle describes.
So, in my opinion, trying to accommodate for the three constituents of person (consciousness, mind and body) is not easy if one is to simply read the above books. Will discuss this further later.
Thursday 21 February 2008
Consciousness, Mind, and Body
Yesterday I finished with the conclusion that in an attempt to figure out what I want, getting an answer wasn't straight forward.
And that is because I really no longer know what I want. Even if I knew I couldn't fail, I still don't know.
This will come of a surprise to many of you. It came as a surprise to me. Having read Tony Robbins books, self-help guides, and written more mission statements and SMART goals than you can wave a stick at, I feel unfulfilled.
The cause of lack of fulfillment
One of the main reasons why I no longer plan away is because it was making me unhappy. Even if I achieved some goals, didn't fulfill others, took all failures as "mis-takes" and lessons, it didn't seem right.
One reason was I had become an athiest. No longer a Catholic, prayer wasn't for me now, and doing what I thought the Big Man would have liked me to do was not the answer.
So what was?
Working towards a theory of person
If there is no God, then figuring out what your passions or values are can be difficult. It's hard. Also, I had recently come across the book The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. This, which I read after a major project had gone severely wrong, and was recommended as a book by a friend, opened my eyes.
I am not my mind. I am not my thoughts. I am only the Now.
I cannot explain this in great detail here - the concept for newcomers requires reflection. But it answered why I had felt bad for so long. I had been controlled by my Ego - and I thought I was my Ego. I thought I was that running narrative inside my head that thinks of only the past or the future, and its goal is to make the future how it wants to have it.
The result is that I had been failing to enjoy life for the last few years. My only respite and enjoyment came from travel - by being 5,000 miles away from work, I stopped thinking and started living, enjoying the moment. But come back to work, and the Ego rose again with its constant planning, and narrative of "this must be done better" or "I wish I could have that... I feel depressed I can't."
Now, being an Athiest, I am not going to simply retreat to this spiritual realm that Tolle describes. Alternatively, I have thought of a theory (which might have come from someone else) to explain who I am. My wish is that by knowing who I am, I will know what I want.
So, what am I made of?
I came up with three components that could be me.
And that is because I really no longer know what I want. Even if I knew I couldn't fail, I still don't know.
This will come of a surprise to many of you. It came as a surprise to me. Having read Tony Robbins books, self-help guides, and written more mission statements and SMART goals than you can wave a stick at, I feel unfulfilled.
The cause of lack of fulfillment
One of the main reasons why I no longer plan away is because it was making me unhappy. Even if I achieved some goals, didn't fulfill others, took all failures as "mis-takes" and lessons, it didn't seem right.
One reason was I had become an athiest. No longer a Catholic, prayer wasn't for me now, and doing what I thought the Big Man would have liked me to do was not the answer.
So what was?
Working towards a theory of person
If there is no God, then figuring out what your passions or values are can be difficult. It's hard. Also, I had recently come across the book The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. This, which I read after a major project had gone severely wrong, and was recommended as a book by a friend, opened my eyes.
I am not my mind. I am not my thoughts. I am only the Now.
I cannot explain this in great detail here - the concept for newcomers requires reflection. But it answered why I had felt bad for so long. I had been controlled by my Ego - and I thought I was my Ego. I thought I was that running narrative inside my head that thinks of only the past or the future, and its goal is to make the future how it wants to have it.
The result is that I had been failing to enjoy life for the last few years. My only respite and enjoyment came from travel - by being 5,000 miles away from work, I stopped thinking and started living, enjoying the moment. But come back to work, and the Ego rose again with its constant planning, and narrative of "this must be done better" or "I wish I could have that... I feel depressed I can't."
Now, being an Athiest, I am not going to simply retreat to this spiritual realm that Tolle describes. Alternatively, I have thought of a theory (which might have come from someone else) to explain who I am. My wish is that by knowing who I am, I will know what I want.
So, what am I made of?
I came up with three components that could be me.
- Consciousness - this is the thoughtless 'being' that Tolle describes in his book. This is a state of being timeless, in the Now, feeling everything as it happens and forgetting the past and the future, for they are only illusions.
- Mind - the Ego. The narrative that runs through the brain, recalling memories, making plans, and using the power of cognition to create a strategy for existence.
- Body - every physical aspect of self, from the body as a whole, to the nutritional and health state of the body, to the neural connections within the brain that cause the sensation of Consciousness and the ability to think.
Now, I am not just one of the parts above - I am all. And they all interact with each other.
For example, by taking LSD, I would be changing my body, which in effect would change the Mind and my Consciousness.
My Mind concentrating on poor achievements and performance would have the effect of causing physiological changes in my body, with stress perhaps reducing the performance of my immune system and raising my heart rate.
And by meditating, accessing Consciousness, my heart rate would slow and the Mind would reduce in intensity and effect on the body.
I believe in deciding what I want to do with my life, or what my specific raison d'etre is, I need to analyse each part of myself as a whole to determine what I should be doing and aiming for.
Wednesday 20 February 2008
What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail?
This is one concept I have been thinking of in recent days.
What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail?
I have been doing some introspection, and I have thought - the times when I have conned myself most, have been those when I did not want to go for the most.
Many problems can be traced back to this:
But thinking about this - you only have one shot at life. But within life itself, you can take many routes.
If you were to take the highest risk, highest return route at every turn - would your life turn out better?
This interesting article by Lena Sanchez attempts to answer that question. Failure, is simply a lesson. Anthony Robbins and others prefer to speak of mis-takes, just like a take in a movie was done incorrectly. Learn, think, and take again - maybe going for a different angle or shot this time.
Look retrospectively. If you had actually done something you wanted, but didn't because of failure, what would you have actually lost by now, at this moment in time? Would you be dead? Probably not. Would you be starving? Unlikely, unless you were foolish in your risk taking. Would you have learnt something? Absolutely.
My opinion is that fear of failure comes from in many cases the Ego. You don't want to appear bruised. You'd much rather go for something second-rate, get that, and then overblow its significance to your friends, business contacts, whoever.
But likewise, in myself, the desire for success comes from the Ego. My Ego wants to achieve things. So, what do I really want?
Is my Ego hedging my life?
Now, this is a thought that has just sprung to mind. Hedging is a tool used by the financial industry to reduce risk with investments. Put it simply, if you put money in two pots, there is less chance of both of them going completely empty. If the over all sum gets bigger, you can show this growth off - i.e. boast about your success in life. If it gets smaller, well, you haven't lost everything.
Many tools for business analysis can also be applied as life strategies:
The key question for me, in asking why I have done the things I have done, and why I have avoided the things that I thought I could fail in, requires some form of introspection.
Who am I? What is man composed of?
What do I really want? Or, is the question, what state do I want? What existence do I want?
Do I want to make a story, or live a journey?
What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail?
I have been doing some introspection, and I have thought - the times when I have conned myself most, have been those when I did not want to go for the most.
Many problems can be traced back to this:
- Choosing a degree that was easy to get into - because I could have failed at getting into a more difficult one.
- Not being honest with female friends who I have been attracted to - because I could have rejected.
- Not going to the top boss at the company I work for, and telling him my new idea - because he might not have acted on my suggestion.
But thinking about this - you only have one shot at life. But within life itself, you can take many routes.
If you were to take the highest risk, highest return route at every turn - would your life turn out better?
This interesting article by Lena Sanchez attempts to answer that question. Failure, is simply a lesson. Anthony Robbins and others prefer to speak of mis-takes, just like a take in a movie was done incorrectly. Learn, think, and take again - maybe going for a different angle or shot this time.
Look retrospectively. If you had actually done something you wanted, but didn't because of failure, what would you have actually lost by now, at this moment in time? Would you be dead? Probably not. Would you be starving? Unlikely, unless you were foolish in your risk taking. Would you have learnt something? Absolutely.
My opinion is that fear of failure comes from in many cases the Ego. You don't want to appear bruised. You'd much rather go for something second-rate, get that, and then overblow its significance to your friends, business contacts, whoever.
But likewise, in myself, the desire for success comes from the Ego. My Ego wants to achieve things. So, what do I really want?
Is my Ego hedging my life?
Now, this is a thought that has just sprung to mind. Hedging is a tool used by the financial industry to reduce risk with investments. Put it simply, if you put money in two pots, there is less chance of both of them going completely empty. If the over all sum gets bigger, you can show this growth off - i.e. boast about your success in life. If it gets smaller, well, you haven't lost everything.
Many tools for business analysis can also be applied as life strategies:
- SWOT analysis - looking internally at your strengths and weaknesses, and looking to the world outside for opportunities and threats.
- Determing your personal Mission, Vision and Values.
The key question for me, in asking why I have done the things I have done, and why I have avoided the things that I thought I could fail in, requires some form of introspection.
Who am I? What is man composed of?
What do I really want? Or, is the question, what state do I want? What existence do I want?
Do I want to make a story, or live a journey?
Tuesday 19 February 2008
In the beginning
This is the first blog I have created out of total anonymity. The desire is for not one piece of information to be able to identify me with the general public.
I aim to put some of the things I read and learn on here for myself and others to view, although due to my tendency to be somewhat narcissistic I will refrain from writing as if there is an audience.
Some topics I may wish to include are:
- The Philosophy of Mind.
- Self-Improvement.
- Controlling the Mind, Body and Spirit as part of the one human trinity.
- Objectivism.
- Sexuality and sexual attraction.
- Masculinity.
- Self-actualization.
I also wish to include links to websites I find personally fulfilling, and use this as some form of thought-tracking diary.
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