I need therapy. That's my decision. Self-help books and so on can only help so much. If you can't break out of your mental state alone, get someone to help you do it. Even if you have to pay for it.
Having a negative mental state, caused by very real psychological problems, are very difficult to solve alone. Some are more difficult than others. Even if one tries to change their actions, hoping that the outcomes will reinforce positive beliefs, the mind may just refute it entirely - by creating an emotional state, biochemically, that drains one of one's esteem, pride, and sense of satisfaction. It's like a near-permanent feeling of shitness, which even if someone tries to convince you is irrational, doesn't change the way you feel.
Traits I might have to explore are:
Has perfectionism caused my depressive nature?
Do I have narcissistic personality disorder?
Should I cut my parents and family out of my life?
Saturday 17 May 2008
Thursday 1 May 2008
Redefining my reality - becoming an entrepreneur
"If it flies, floats or fornicates, always rent it - it's cheaper in the long run."
Felix Dennis - entrepreneur
I have to admit, how I was feeling on Sunday most likely had a specific cause. I had just spent a week writing two essays which I had had two years to do. To get them done of course, I took a commonly used at college substance that jumps up the dopamine levels in the brain - great for getting work done, but there is always the crash afterwards.
But the feeling of despair has been around a while - that's why I started the blog, as a way of venting some steam. It primary aim was to help me articulate ideas, but if as a secondary aim it happens to provide value for others, then great.
The common question has kept on coming to me for as long as I can remember: what do I want to do with my life? I even mentioned this when I was very young - the earliest recorded example was when my mother gave me a scientific reference encylcopaedia when I was six years old. On the insert it said "Dear Dolgeville, I hope you will be what you want to be", and it was listed with the date. At the time I had wanted to become a scientist, with the movie Ghostbusters being particularly important.
Eventually, as I became older, I set myself new goals:
- Earn £3000 and spend a month in Africa. Done (age 16)
- Earn another £3000 and spend another month in Africa, and climb a mountain while you're at it. Done (age 18)
- Get into one of the world's most prestigious universities. Done (age 19)
And there were a few other significant goals in there that I haven't mentioned as it might make it obvious to some who I am. But recently, I have failed - not just at one goal, but a succession of goals all in order. Fail, fail, fail, fail. All over the course of three years. And that's been tough for me. And it has damaged my identity.
I don't "fail" like this. Sure, I have failed - but I usually learn from it, take it as a mis-take so to speak, and go on. But to fail consistently, time and time again, for the first time in your life - that's hard. And it hasn't just been hard, it's challenged the identity I created for myself. I am no longer who I "wanted to be" to use the words of my mother many years ago.
But, as I come towards the end of my degree course, knowing full well that my grade will be pretty awful, I am filled with a sense of relief. I'll be out of here in a few weeks. No more commitment to the institution. No more commitment to the essays. No more conforming to a reality of writing conceptual essays of bullshit, adding no value to myself or others.
In effect, I believe my world is opening up for me. Leaving university, I can carve out a new reality. And I think perhaps my next goal, to become an entrepreneur.
One of the inspirations for me, in a strange kind of way, is Felix Dennis. This guy has a rock solid reality. Sure, he was jailed for obscenity, had a harem of 14 call girls, and was once addicted to crack cocaine. But he's now worth over £700m, and there has to be something in that. I've put some videos below, and although they mostly promote his book, they're interesting to watch. Also FT.com has a series of interviews with entrepreneurs, from all different backgrounds.
Perhaps I'll change my mind in a few years about the direction of my life, but I think the journey to make money will prove to be an interesting one.
Information about Felix Dennis
Some interviews from YouTube:
Part 1 - Felix Dennis Interview
Part 2 - Felix Dennis Interview
Part 3 - Felix Dennis Interview
Felix Dennis - entrepreneur
I have to admit, how I was feeling on Sunday most likely had a specific cause. I had just spent a week writing two essays which I had had two years to do. To get them done of course, I took a commonly used at college substance that jumps up the dopamine levels in the brain - great for getting work done, but there is always the crash afterwards.
But the feeling of despair has been around a while - that's why I started the blog, as a way of venting some steam. It primary aim was to help me articulate ideas, but if as a secondary aim it happens to provide value for others, then great.
The common question has kept on coming to me for as long as I can remember: what do I want to do with my life? I even mentioned this when I was very young - the earliest recorded example was when my mother gave me a scientific reference encylcopaedia when I was six years old. On the insert it said "Dear Dolgeville, I hope you will be what you want to be", and it was listed with the date. At the time I had wanted to become a scientist, with the movie Ghostbusters being particularly important.
Eventually, as I became older, I set myself new goals:
- Earn £3000 and spend a month in Africa. Done (age 16)
- Earn another £3000 and spend another month in Africa, and climb a mountain while you're at it. Done (age 18)
- Get into one of the world's most prestigious universities. Done (age 19)
And there were a few other significant goals in there that I haven't mentioned as it might make it obvious to some who I am. But recently, I have failed - not just at one goal, but a succession of goals all in order. Fail, fail, fail, fail. All over the course of three years. And that's been tough for me. And it has damaged my identity.
I don't "fail" like this. Sure, I have failed - but I usually learn from it, take it as a mis-take so to speak, and go on. But to fail consistently, time and time again, for the first time in your life - that's hard. And it hasn't just been hard, it's challenged the identity I created for myself. I am no longer who I "wanted to be" to use the words of my mother many years ago.
But, as I come towards the end of my degree course, knowing full well that my grade will be pretty awful, I am filled with a sense of relief. I'll be out of here in a few weeks. No more commitment to the institution. No more commitment to the essays. No more conforming to a reality of writing conceptual essays of bullshit, adding no value to myself or others.
In effect, I believe my world is opening up for me. Leaving university, I can carve out a new reality. And I think perhaps my next goal, to become an entrepreneur.
One of the inspirations for me, in a strange kind of way, is Felix Dennis. This guy has a rock solid reality. Sure, he was jailed for obscenity, had a harem of 14 call girls, and was once addicted to crack cocaine. But he's now worth over £700m, and there has to be something in that. I've put some videos below, and although they mostly promote his book, they're interesting to watch. Also FT.com has a series of interviews with entrepreneurs, from all different backgrounds.
Perhaps I'll change my mind in a few years about the direction of my life, but I think the journey to make money will prove to be an interesting one.
Information about Felix Dennis
Some interviews from YouTube:
Part 1 - Felix Dennis Interview
Part 2 - Felix Dennis Interview
Part 3 - Felix Dennis Interview
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