I need therapy...

I need therapy. That's my decision. Self-help books and so on can only help so much. If you can't break out of your mental state alone, get someone to help you do it. Even if you have to pay for it.

Having a negative mental state, caused by very real psychological problems, are very difficult to solve alone. Some are more difficult than others. Even if one tries to change their actions, hoping that the outcomes will reinforce positive beliefs, the mind may just refute it entirely - by creating an emotional state, biochemically, that drains one of one's esteem, pride, and sense of satisfaction. It's like a near-permanent feeling of shitness, which even if someone tries to convince you is irrational, doesn't change the way you feel.

Traits I might have to explore are:
Has perfectionism caused my depressive nature?
Do I have narcissistic personality disorder?
Should I cut my parents and family out of my life?

Redefining my reality - becoming an entrepreneur

"If it flies, floats or fornicates, always rent it - it's cheaper in the long run."
Felix Dennis - entrepreneur

I have to admit, how I was feeling on Sunday most likely had a specific cause. I had just spent a week writing two essays which I had had two years to do. To get them done of course, I took a commonly used at college substance that jumps up the dopamine levels in the brain - great for getting work done, but there is always the crash afterwards.

But the feeling of despair has been around a while - that's why I started the blog, as a way of venting some steam. It primary aim was to help me articulate ideas, but if as a secondary aim it happens to provide value for others, then great.

The common question has kept on coming to me for as long as I can remember: what do I want to do with my life? I even mentioned this when I was very young - the earliest recorded example was when my mother gave me a scientific reference encylcopaedia when I was six years old. On the insert it said "Dear Dolgeville, I hope you will be what you want to be", and it was listed with the date. At the time I had wanted to become a scientist, with the movie Ghostbusters being particularly important.

Eventually, as I became older, I set myself new goals:
- Earn £3000 and spend a month in Africa. Done (age 16)
- Earn another £3000 and spend another month in Africa, and climb a mountain while you're at it. Done (age 18)
- Get into one of the world's most prestigious universities. Done (age 19)

And there were a few other significant goals in there that I haven't mentioned as it might make it obvious to some who I am. But recently, I have failed - not just at one goal, but a succession of goals all in order. Fail, fail, fail, fail. All over the course of three years. And that's been tough for me. And it has damaged my identity.

I don't "fail" like this. Sure, I have failed - but I usually learn from it, take it as a mis-take so to speak, and go on. But to fail consistently, time and time again, for the first time in your life - that's hard. And it hasn't just been hard, it's challenged the identity I created for myself. I am no longer who I "wanted to be" to use the words of my mother many years ago.

But, as I come towards the end of my degree course, knowing full well that my grade will be pretty awful, I am filled with a sense of relief. I'll be out of here in a few weeks. No more commitment to the institution. No more commitment to the essays. No more conforming to a reality of writing conceptual essays of bullshit, adding no value to myself or others.

In effect, I believe my world is opening up for me. Leaving university, I can carve out a new reality. And I think perhaps my next goal, to become an entrepreneur.

One of the inspirations for me, in a strange kind of way, is Felix Dennis. This guy has a rock solid reality. Sure, he was jailed for obscenity, had a harem of 14 call girls, and was once addicted to crack cocaine. But he's now worth over £700m, and there has to be something in that. I've put some videos below, and although they mostly promote his book, they're interesting to watch. Also FT.com has a series of interviews with entrepreneurs, from all different backgrounds.

Perhaps I'll change my mind in a few years about the direction of my life, but I think the journey to make money will prove to be an interesting one.

Information about Felix Dennis

Some interviews from YouTube:

Part 1 - Felix Dennis Interview

Part 2 - Felix Dennis Interview

Part 3 - Felix Dennis Interview

To the end of my will and back again

Today I woke up feeling awful. Suicidal. I was contemplating as to whether go to the fields near my college and go hang myself. How I would do it. What I would write in my suicide note. Wondering if I were to kill myself, should I leave a statement, or just not give a shit and leave this world with no explanation.

I thought to myself - what have I got? I felt valueless. I felt completely absent in capital - social capital, financial capital, cultural capital. I didn't mean a shit to anyone really. I was insignificant.

I remember this TED talk with Tony Robbins where he states that the quickest way to become significant is through violence. Often, for those who do not like to inflict violence on others, they turn this on themselves. If they cannot be creators of their own destiny, then they at least have the ability to be the destructors of it.

I travelled to London to go use my gym and do some high intensity training. I took a load of ephedrine to get me going. I went to the gym. I looked at my weight card. Even though it was the highest it had ever been, I felt like it wasn't high enough. I was a failure. I had failed myself, my family, my friends, and my destiny. I had failed anything and anyone I had made a promise to.

And coming out of the gym, I felt angry. I wanted to self destruct. I wanted to destroy something, and the easiest thing to destroy was myself. And I remembered this site called Daily15.com - the task in my inbox for today and the day previously was to jog for 15 minutes, then spend 15 minutes in nature. And for some reason, after a high intensity workout, I decided to take that run. And to do it in nature, in the park.

As I began to run I felt angry with myself. Hateful. I was fighting myself, pushing myself. My anger was vented in self torture. Rather than jog, I ran. I ran so I was red in the face. I ran past the cherry blossom in Regent's Park, past beautiful houses and past other joggers who looked at me like I was the devil incarnate. I kept on running. I was going to run past the pain, through it, and cast myself into physical hell.

I wanted to cry as I ran. I wanted to die on this run. For this run in some ways to end it all, for my heart to explode and for me to collapse face first, leaving this earth with a splutter and a gasp. But I didn't. And as I ran and I ran, a mental change happened. This run represented my life. It was at rock bottom and I was going to fight so hard that I would either die or succeed. That's all I cared about.

And as I spent what seemed an eternity getting to 15 minutes, I eventually got there. I had run about 3km, or 1.8 miles, around the perimeter of the park. My body spent from both a run and some high intensity exercise, I walked into the park itself.

Things seemed different. I was no longer angry. My ego had left. The plants seemed beautiful and I could feel the wind on my face. This world was no longer a mocking world, mocking me for my lack of things. It was my world, part of who I am.

I lay on the grass and looked at the sky. The grass was damp. I closed my eyes and cleared my mind, feeling the breeze cast over me like I was one and the same with it. I was happy. I needed nothing. And my life seemed worth living again.

Managing my life... online

I was thinking to myself about using the Internet to advertise my actual life.

Of course, I would never link the items from a "public" blog to this, my private blog - a place that allows me to express my opinions and emotions without worrying what other people think.

But as a method of communicating with people, and allowing them to follow my life, the Internet can be very useful, and also be a way of adding value to the people you know and meet. They can find out more about you; you can provide content online which you believe they will find valuable. Indeed, it is the best method of personal branding, being instantly accessible by all.

I plan to integrate my life using the following services:

• Facebook - this one is essential as so many of my friends are on it. However the problem is there are people on it who are no longer my friends. My idea is to use Facebook as a way to keep in touch with people from all backgrounds (business, university, old school friends), but not share my private life. I will remove all my photos and set my privacy settings to maximum.


• Wordpress/blogspot - I plan to maintain a blog of sorts, especially if I run a business. This blog will cover content which I am currently interested in, and will be not in the style of "today I ate fish and chips..." but rather a blog which I can use to add value to people.


• Picasa - in order to share my photos, but control privacy, I will put my photos on Picasa instead of Facebook.
• Twitter - as you can see at the side of my profile. This will let people know what I am up to and where I am going.

The Power of Belief by Anthony Robbins

I know I've been putting up a lot of videos recently, but I really believe they can be useful and speak better than I can about certain subjects. Have a listen to Tony Robbins discuss the Power of Belief.

Learning as a lifestyle, and the concept of 'Asset Poor, Money Rich'

I have been thinking a little more about what I should do with myself once I graduate. Two themes I want to address today are:

• Learning as a lifestyle
• Refusing to accept today’s lifestyle of “Asset Rich, Money Poor” – instead embracing “Asset Poor, Money/Lifestyle Rich”
  

Learning as a lifestyle

Perhaps another reason (I know, I keep on giving many differing but relevant reasons) why I have not enjoyed my degree is because I haven’t been increasing my skill set. Whose fault is this? Perhaps it is my own. But should I be blamed? All I can say is that I hope to pass on my lessons to someone else one day.

What skill sets do I think are valuable in the school of life? I think the key skill sets involve managing people – this is what leadership is about. And leading people (by articulating them around your vision) is about actions which follow a spectrum from carrot to stick – or from fighting to serving.

Fighting
Yes, that’s right – fighting as a skill. And I mean in all respects – physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually. Physically, well I haven’t got into a fight. Perhaps I have not allowed myself to. Intellectually, fighting at Oxford brings no reward, despite all the claims on the tin. The views of your tutor are likely to be so ingrained as to make fighting impossible, and if you do try to fight the likelihood is that your work will be branded a polemic. Emotional fighting – I think this is about fighting with yourself. But the only way you win this is if you truly believe the fight you are having is worth it. Are you tired for an end goal? Good. Were you beaten because you tried? Fantastic. And spiritual fighting applies in the same manner – learning how to control your ego so it doesn’t control you.

Anyone who doesn't believe this, go watch Fight Club. Then think about how the men all changed when they learnt about fighting. Forget about the big plot. Just see how the men had their lives motivated once they had got in a fight, and they lost their egos, toughening up in the process.

Persuasion and charisma
Persuading someone to do something is rarely just a rational task. A lot of the time in order to persuade or influence someone you have to change their mood or emotions, or cater to one of their needs. This is a skill that needs practice, and practice is trying something to better yourself in the knowledge that you will always be failing to a certain degree.

Think about most best-selling self-help and business books on the market (because they tend to be pretty much the same thing, although in slightly different niches). They all evoke emotions. They use author surrogates, literary devices, and feature a big grinning guru on the front cover. And whether or not they contain much information, the best are those that emotionally move the person most. These books brim with charisma. And people like them. That's why books that are emotionally fulfilling are far better selling than books that just provide pure information - why does Freakonomics or Unlimited Power sell far better than any college level economics text book? Because of the charisma contained within.

Serving
I think knowing how to serve others is another skill, and more than a skill – it’s a discipline. Always presenting value to others in some way shape or form will get other people giving value to you. Why? Because they get addicted to the value you serve them with, and in order to ensure that fix keeps on coming they keep on trying to offer you some value. This concept is explained rather well in Never Eat Alone, where Ferrazzi is told he needs to give value to others for their network to work effectively.

Asset rich, penny poor?
What’s the point of having a big house if you can’t feed yourself or have fun? Or what’s the point of owning a £100,000 car when you instead could travel the world in amazing fashion for two to three years?

Welcome to the world of the asset rich, penny poor. These are the people who put all their money into assets – things that people charge a hell of a lot of money for. Homes, cars, whatever. But the fact of the matter is that thse people could be having a far more enjoyable life if they decided to live life based on experiences, interaction with others and learning.

Next year, I believe I will try to follow a different philosophy - asset poor, money rich. So no car, no house (will try and live somewhere cheaply), no expensive clothes, no expensive possessions - instead, I will work to spend my money on having amazing experiences - experiences that not only are hedonistic (i.e. make me super ultra happy), but also experiences that are self-actualizing, and assist me in constantly growing and changing in a never-ending state of growth.

Suggested articles

Don't worry, be... arrpy (that's asset rich, penny poor)

In most species, faithfulness is a fantasy

Natalie Angier of the New York Times discusses why faithfulness is a complete myth.

While I would love to copy this article in full, I believe to do so would probably infringe copyright, you will have to click on the link above.

I was forwarded this article by signing up to Sam Vaknin's email list on narcissism.