To the end of my will and back again

Today I woke up feeling awful. Suicidal. I was contemplating as to whether go to the fields near my college and go hang myself. How I would do it. What I would write in my suicide note. Wondering if I were to kill myself, should I leave a statement, or just not give a shit and leave this world with no explanation.

I thought to myself - what have I got? I felt valueless. I felt completely absent in capital - social capital, financial capital, cultural capital. I didn't mean a shit to anyone really. I was insignificant.

I remember this TED talk with Tony Robbins where he states that the quickest way to become significant is through violence. Often, for those who do not like to inflict violence on others, they turn this on themselves. If they cannot be creators of their own destiny, then they at least have the ability to be the destructors of it.

I travelled to London to go use my gym and do some high intensity training. I took a load of ephedrine to get me going. I went to the gym. I looked at my weight card. Even though it was the highest it had ever been, I felt like it wasn't high enough. I was a failure. I had failed myself, my family, my friends, and my destiny. I had failed anything and anyone I had made a promise to.

And coming out of the gym, I felt angry. I wanted to self destruct. I wanted to destroy something, and the easiest thing to destroy was myself. And I remembered this site called Daily15.com - the task in my inbox for today and the day previously was to jog for 15 minutes, then spend 15 minutes in nature. And for some reason, after a high intensity workout, I decided to take that run. And to do it in nature, in the park.

As I began to run I felt angry with myself. Hateful. I was fighting myself, pushing myself. My anger was vented in self torture. Rather than jog, I ran. I ran so I was red in the face. I ran past the cherry blossom in Regent's Park, past beautiful houses and past other joggers who looked at me like I was the devil incarnate. I kept on running. I was going to run past the pain, through it, and cast myself into physical hell.

I wanted to cry as I ran. I wanted to die on this run. For this run in some ways to end it all, for my heart to explode and for me to collapse face first, leaving this earth with a splutter and a gasp. But I didn't. And as I ran and I ran, a mental change happened. This run represented my life. It was at rock bottom and I was going to fight so hard that I would either die or succeed. That's all I cared about.

And as I spent what seemed an eternity getting to 15 minutes, I eventually got there. I had run about 3km, or 1.8 miles, around the perimeter of the park. My body spent from both a run and some high intensity exercise, I walked into the park itself.

Things seemed different. I was no longer angry. My ego had left. The plants seemed beautiful and I could feel the wind on my face. This world was no longer a mocking world, mocking me for my lack of things. It was my world, part of who I am.

I lay on the grass and looked at the sky. The grass was damp. I closed my eyes and cleared my mind, feeling the breeze cast over me like I was one and the same with it. I was happy. I needed nothing. And my life seemed worth living again.

Managing my life... online

I was thinking to myself about using the Internet to advertise my actual life.

Of course, I would never link the items from a "public" blog to this, my private blog - a place that allows me to express my opinions and emotions without worrying what other people think.

But as a method of communicating with people, and allowing them to follow my life, the Internet can be very useful, and also be a way of adding value to the people you know and meet. They can find out more about you; you can provide content online which you believe they will find valuable. Indeed, it is the best method of personal branding, being instantly accessible by all.

I plan to integrate my life using the following services:

• Facebook - this one is essential as so many of my friends are on it. However the problem is there are people on it who are no longer my friends. My idea is to use Facebook as a way to keep in touch with people from all backgrounds (business, university, old school friends), but not share my private life. I will remove all my photos and set my privacy settings to maximum.


• Wordpress/blogspot - I plan to maintain a blog of sorts, especially if I run a business. This blog will cover content which I am currently interested in, and will be not in the style of "today I ate fish and chips..." but rather a blog which I can use to add value to people.


• Picasa - in order to share my photos, but control privacy, I will put my photos on Picasa instead of Facebook.
• Twitter - as you can see at the side of my profile. This will let people know what I am up to and where I am going.

The Power of Belief by Anthony Robbins

I know I've been putting up a lot of videos recently, but I really believe they can be useful and speak better than I can about certain subjects. Have a listen to Tony Robbins discuss the Power of Belief.

Learning as a lifestyle, and the concept of 'Asset Poor, Money Rich'

I have been thinking a little more about what I should do with myself once I graduate. Two themes I want to address today are:

• Learning as a lifestyle
• Refusing to accept today’s lifestyle of “Asset Rich, Money Poor” – instead embracing “Asset Poor, Money/Lifestyle Rich”
  

Learning as a lifestyle

Perhaps another reason (I know, I keep on giving many differing but relevant reasons) why I have not enjoyed my degree is because I haven’t been increasing my skill set. Whose fault is this? Perhaps it is my own. But should I be blamed? All I can say is that I hope to pass on my lessons to someone else one day.

What skill sets do I think are valuable in the school of life? I think the key skill sets involve managing people – this is what leadership is about. And leading people (by articulating them around your vision) is about actions which follow a spectrum from carrot to stick – or from fighting to serving.

Fighting
Yes, that’s right – fighting as a skill. And I mean in all respects – physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually. Physically, well I haven’t got into a fight. Perhaps I have not allowed myself to. Intellectually, fighting at Oxford brings no reward, despite all the claims on the tin. The views of your tutor are likely to be so ingrained as to make fighting impossible, and if you do try to fight the likelihood is that your work will be branded a polemic. Emotional fighting – I think this is about fighting with yourself. But the only way you win this is if you truly believe the fight you are having is worth it. Are you tired for an end goal? Good. Were you beaten because you tried? Fantastic. And spiritual fighting applies in the same manner – learning how to control your ego so it doesn’t control you.

Anyone who doesn't believe this, go watch Fight Club. Then think about how the men all changed when they learnt about fighting. Forget about the big plot. Just see how the men had their lives motivated once they had got in a fight, and they lost their egos, toughening up in the process.

Persuasion and charisma
Persuading someone to do something is rarely just a rational task. A lot of the time in order to persuade or influence someone you have to change their mood or emotions, or cater to one of their needs. This is a skill that needs practice, and practice is trying something to better yourself in the knowledge that you will always be failing to a certain degree.

Think about most best-selling self-help and business books on the market (because they tend to be pretty much the same thing, although in slightly different niches). They all evoke emotions. They use author surrogates, literary devices, and feature a big grinning guru on the front cover. And whether or not they contain much information, the best are those that emotionally move the person most. These books brim with charisma. And people like them. That's why books that are emotionally fulfilling are far better selling than books that just provide pure information - why does Freakonomics or Unlimited Power sell far better than any college level economics text book? Because of the charisma contained within.

Serving
I think knowing how to serve others is another skill, and more than a skill – it’s a discipline. Always presenting value to others in some way shape or form will get other people giving value to you. Why? Because they get addicted to the value you serve them with, and in order to ensure that fix keeps on coming they keep on trying to offer you some value. This concept is explained rather well in Never Eat Alone, where Ferrazzi is told he needs to give value to others for their network to work effectively.

Asset rich, penny poor?
What’s the point of having a big house if you can’t feed yourself or have fun? Or what’s the point of owning a £100,000 car when you instead could travel the world in amazing fashion for two to three years?

Welcome to the world of the asset rich, penny poor. These are the people who put all their money into assets – things that people charge a hell of a lot of money for. Homes, cars, whatever. But the fact of the matter is that thse people could be having a far more enjoyable life if they decided to live life based on experiences, interaction with others and learning.

Next year, I believe I will try to follow a different philosophy - asset poor, money rich. So no car, no house (will try and live somewhere cheaply), no expensive clothes, no expensive possessions - instead, I will work to spend my money on having amazing experiences - experiences that not only are hedonistic (i.e. make me super ultra happy), but also experiences that are self-actualizing, and assist me in constantly growing and changing in a never-ending state of growth.

Suggested articles

Don't worry, be... arrpy (that's asset rich, penny poor)

In most species, faithfulness is a fantasy

Natalie Angier of the New York Times discusses why faithfulness is a complete myth.

While I would love to copy this article in full, I believe to do so would probably infringe copyright, you will have to click on the link above.

I was forwarded this article by signing up to Sam Vaknin's email list on narcissism.

Thirty Day Challenge

I have just started the Thirty Day Challenge - a website that teaches you about Internet Marketing. Fascinating stuff.

I am considering for next year becoming an entrepreneur of sorts, especially if my degree grades do not go as well as I hope. Perhaps this will assist me in my task...

Cool laser pointer

I know this is a diversion from my usual blogging, but this just had to be shown!



Laser Flashlight Hack! - video powered by Metacafe

For more information go to http://www.kipkay.com/

The Four Horsemen - A Round Table Discussion

Featuring Christopher Hitchens, Daniel Dennett, Richard Dawkins and Sam Harris. Each video is roughly an hour long.

Video 1:



Video 2:

Sam Harris - The Spiritual Atheist

A post about the article: The Problem with Atheism

I'm not sure whether Sam Harris would like me using the term that I've just given him. But I'm sure he would understand.

As someone who was formerly religious, I understand what it is like to have faith. In fact, in many ways, not having faith has caused me some pain in the last few years. I have suffered from the inability to ascribe a true meaning to my life, because in reality no such specific raison d'etre for the human race exists. But as I have mentioned before, I have begun to practice meditation - and have been able to ream some of the benefits faith gave me, without compromising my same belief (now currently total) in rationality.

Sam Harris argues that scientists do not understand why people meditate or practice religion. It is not just about being a meme. It is about a profound impact on the mind, happiness and well-being of the believer that triggers something which confirms a belief in the supernatural.

I once went to a talk by Susan Blackmore (author of The Meme Machine) who stated, "I wish I could give Richard Dawkins LSD." Why would she want to do that, other than the fact it might be quite entertaining? She explained that when she was a first year at university, she had a profound out-of-body experience that led her into a quest to discover the paranormal, even attempting a PhD on the subject. But she didn't find it. What she had actually experienced was a psychological phenomenon of sorts (I think she didn't use this phrase exactly, but I hope you get the gist of it). Scientists such as Richard Dawkins have not experienced such phenomena, and therefore cannot completely understand it.

I hope one day we will be able to understand this deep level of 'spiritual' consciousness that can make us happy in some way shape or form.

Personal Websites:
Sam Harris - he publishes links to useful articles he writes.
Susan Blackmore - read why she gave up being a paranormal investigator.

Aristotle v. Aristippus

http://pos-psych.com/news/rosie-milner/20071025457

An interesting link on happiness - what is better? Hedonism or Self-actualization?

Why Modernist Architecture Sucks

Stemming on from the previous post, I have been thinking: the three points that Lancioni mentions - those being anonmyity, irrelevance and immeasurability - can be applied to individuals who feel worthless in a collective. And Britain's council housing seems to enforce these three qualities on everyone.

Now I recognise the functionality that modernist architecture poses - equality, efficiency, functionality. But I believe it makes people depressed in certain ways.

Anonymity

• The flats are put along grey, blank balconies which mean people never bump into one another or interact in anyway.
• People come and go rapidly, and are never introduced by the architecture into the community.

Irrelevance

• Each individual housing unit is the same as the next - people cannot overtly express their relevance and individuality through the housing.
• Council housing is perceived as being for people who are not important to others.

Immeasurability

• The houses are all the same, and so cannot be measured against one another.
• Relative to others, there is no way people can improve - they are stuck in the council housing permanently.

The Three Signs of a Miserable Degree

Book: Patrick M. Lencioni (2007) The Three Signs of a Miserable Job: A Fable for Managers.

I just read the book above today when out for a stroll. I was so bored of my revision and studying I decided to browse the bookshelves of Border's. And during my browsing, I came across this book. I thought, "I'm miserable at my job (i.e. studying) - maybe this book is relevant for me." And it hit home why I've felt so useless these past three years in three, simple points.

Anonymity
I am a naturally very loud person. So loud in fact at heart, that I have to tone down my personality to fit in places.

Because I cannot compartmentalise at university, separating out my different desires and aspirations (career, social, intellectual, sexual etc.), I chose the other route - to disappear entirely and become anonymous rather than gain notoriety and be hated by people.

Likewise, trying to be someone at a prestigious institution is difficult. Everyone is fantastic. How are you going to be different? Being a perfectionist, I chose to disappear rather than fail.

Irrelevance
I had high goals and hopes before coming to university. I wanted to genuinely help people - by acquiring skills which would lead me to politics or another profession by which I could give value.

At university, I felt my contribution was irrelevant for two reasons:

1. I felt I was learning nothing of use (i.e. public policy and knowledge relevant for public policy), nor were my tutorials of any use (the grades on my essays did not contribute to my degree mark, and due to the lack of syllabus were not focussed in any way on the course).
2. Any other goal at university would not help the causes for which I felt passionate about, like helping others in poverty (whatever the poverty is - material, economic, or emotional).

Immeasurability

The nature of my degree is that it cannot be measured. There are only four real grades: 1st class, Upper Second, Lower Second, and Third. The proportions are 10%, 75%, 9% and 1% respectively. But earning a first is something that cannot be defined or measured - no one can really tell you how to get a first class result. It's something which is not completely SMART - getting a first might be achieveable, realistic and timed, but it is not specific or measurable.

Now if you think that the work you do every week is not only properly measurable, but in no way directly contributes to your final mark, and you have a problem.

Conclusion

Now, I might be heading for a terrible degree grade. Now I know why. If I had to do my degree again, I would aim to be:

• Known
• Measure my progress in someway
• Do something which I think is relevant

Knowledge

Knowledge is power, or so they say. And power is the latent ability to act. One could also look at power at a set of relations, but for the time being I will look at what knowledge is.

Universities have a problem. Their agenda for students is merely to deal with the creation of knowledge. And that knowledge need not be relevant to anything. They do not train students in the utilisation of knowledge for change or progress, and they do not equip studnets with knowledge that is needed for change and progress.

In a metaphorical sense, universities teach students how to build a mop. They do not teach them how to use a mop, so it just ends up being splashed around aimlessly. And what if the students need an axe? Oh no, it's not the job of universities to provide anything of use to the undergraduate; for universities, undergraduates exist as useless add-ons to the academic
framework.

Ridiculous.

Two excellent videos

Two videos which were posted on the Real Social Dynamics Blog. They were so good I had to post them here.